Well...it's officially the 'holiday season'. This can be such a loaded time for so many people. Personally, I've grown up most of my life spending each Thanksgiving and Christmas with family members. When I still lived in Canada-we would split time each holiday between my mom's side (with over 12-16 aunts and uncles each with 2-4 kids each!!) and my dad's (MUCH smaller weighing in at only 1 aunt and 1 uncle and 2 cousins). Those times were filled with a ton of anxiety and overwhelm with my mom's side...being very shy and introverted when I was younger, mixed with relief and joy and excitement with my dad's. After moving away from our Canadian family, to North Carolina, we would still make the trip to see family 2x/year and split our time between the two sides. As I got older, I found that I would look forward to the chaos and wild nature of the larger gatherings on my mom's side...but anxiety was still present-in a different way. I had become an athlete as I got older and was constant with soccer and running at home in the south. The holiday anxiety had shifted from being overwhelmed with all of the people-ing and began to circle more around leaving my routines and eating different foods than I was used to. Typical shift for a teenage girl, I guess. I can distinctly remember agonizing over the amount of time we spent sitting and talking and sitting and eating and SITTING and driving (we drove to Canada from NC every time). I would get into these foul bitchy moods with my family and really live up to the angsty 'teenage girl' expectation. I had a hard time enjoying these times with my family because of this. I hadn't yet figured out how to adapt and flow with my surroundings...
The majority of my college years and my 20s were spent traveling around the world and going to big festivals or parties around the holidays. There was a 6-8 year gap where I was just absent from participating in these (still agonizing times in my memory) holidays with family. I guess I was 'finding myself'. Maybe I was still avoiding dealing with the anxiety around food, family expectations, and slowing down and being present. To be completely honest, it took having a daughter of my own to really start reflecting harder and prioritizing working on these areas of my life. Even 9 years into that adventure (having a daughter) I can still feel a resistance in my nervous system when the holidays come into focus. It’s probably a privileged place where my ‘issues’ stem from…disordered eating, family strife, anxiety, etc…but they are the realities that I’ve known and the places that I come from.
How do we begin to unwind these learned protection systems? Do these behaviors still serve us, as they may have at some point in our lives? What if we could unplug the part of our brain that starts buzzing around in high alert at the mention of lengthy sit down meals with friends and family? Or the part that takes a tail spin at the thought of making our homes spotless to host critical family members? What if we could teach out bodies how to detach from the helpless overwhelm we feel when planning gatherings with difficult/triggering family members? As I sit here and type this post, I'm sure a lot of people have had 'colorful' interactions with extended family for Thanksgiving/Fall break that just couldn't avoid the touchy subject of politics this year. It's so interesting to me how polarizing people's opinions have become over the years. There is a place for us to breathe in these moments of overwhelm. There's a place for us to pause in the chaos. The winter season used to be a time to slow down and hibernate and reflect on all that we've accomplished over the past year. Yet, our American society has turned it into one of the busiest and most chaotic times...where we are pushed to host and travel and entertain and consume and lose track of our daily routines and rituals that keep us grounded and healthy. I can remember so many holiday seasons where I would sacrifice my regular eating habits and exercise routines to make sure everything that needed to get done, got done. It's so engrained in us...this deep obligation to self-sacrifice around the holidays...with family...for loved ones. I feel like there are better questions that can be asked around this topic, to help change the way we think about this.
Wouldn’t you think that your loved ones would want the best for you, and to not cause such stress and worry? Maybe this could be a time to ask our people for what we need to be regulated when we spend time together. I know it can be much easier said than done, but let’s try it on and see how it fits. Take care of yourself so you can show up for others this winter season. Take the slow and reflective road, rather than the ‘go, do, and be’ road in the cold winter months.
All my love,
Kim.
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